When I was a boy, I'd get up real early

I'd go to church, where I'd try not to snore
We'd rush home real quick, and sit on the sofa
And for the next three hours I'd cheer for the Vikings to score

So won't you take me back, to the football season?
Where happiness lives and memories are made
It's only the spring, but I'm getting quite antsy
And as draft day nears, my anxiety won't fade

So I'll surf the web for mock drafts and rumors
I'll keep up to date with free agency
At night I'll dream of my fantasy draft
And I'll read Peter King Religiously

So won't you take me back to the football season?
Where happiness lives and memories are made
It's only the spring, but I'm getting quite antsy
And as draft day nears, my anxiety won't fade

I have been pondering two questions lately: Why do humans exist? And. Why do Hot Pockets Exist?

These may seem like two completely different questions, but they address the same point. I call this point--TheWhat the Hell? Principle.

The problem with the universe is that, by the standard picture of creation, we should not exist at all because equal quantities of matter and "antimatter" were created in the Big Bang some 13.7 billion years ago (or so I'm told).

If you’ve ever watched Star Trek, you know that when equal amounts of matter and anti-matter meet they form pure energy. The problem is our universe is not pure energy, it’s filled with billions and trillions and gazillions of particles of matter. What the Hell? 

The problem with Hot Pockets has to do with the standard principles of marketing. According to these principles Hot Pockets and their 52 varieties should have gone out of business years ago.

A brief history lesson should clarify this point.

Thousands of years ago humans began selling things. Soon after they began selling things, they found it helped to market them. 

The first marketing effort began with a pie salesman who lived in Brooklyn, New York around 2578 BC. At this time New York was a bustling town filled with happy people who worshipped a rock they called Al. The pie salesman had his store in the same location for years and made a decent living. 

After fifteen years of profitability at his store, another pie store moved in across the street from him. Soon the salesman began losing money. He was sad.

His sadness turned to anger, his anger turned to determination, and his determination turned into ingenuity. The salesman said a prayer to Al and had a grand vision. He followed his vision’s recommendations and made a sign that red “Pies for Sale.” Soon this man’s business was doing better than ever. He was making more money than he knew what to do with.

Unfortunately, his competition was not a complete moron. After business dropped off, the pie salesman across the street made a sign of his own. It read, “Hot Pies for Sale.”

Throughout history, pie salesman made signs with an increasing amount of adjectives on their signs. Below is a timeline of great moments in the histopry of pie sales and marketing.  

2578 BC—Pies For Sale

2577 BC—Hot Pies for Sale

2000 BC—Yummy Hot Pies for Sale

1700 BC—Extraordinary Hot Pies for Sale

1256 BC—Extraordinarily Hot Pies for Sale

1158BC-29 AD—During this period pies were banned from being sold. Apparently someone thought they heard Al say that pies were evil. It wasn’t until 29 AD that people realized Al couldn’t really talk

400 AD—Better Pies

700 AD—The Best Pies

1156 AD—At this point people began using marketing for other products, like pastries and Ipods.

1458 AD—Where’s the beef?

1789 AD—Just do it.

1900 AD—Kill the Apes

1947 AD—Save the Whales

1990 AD—Skip It! Skip it!

2000 AD—Snap into a Slim Jim. 

2008 AD—Today the existence of Hot Pockets proves that the end of marketing and the world as a whole is neigh. 


Why do hot pockets exist?

Why do hot pockets exist?

Why do hot pockets exist?

Why do hot pockets exist?

Why do hot pockets exist?

WHY DO HOT POCKETS EXIST!

Hot pockets should not exist after launching the most ridiculous website I have ever seen! Check it out for yourself. www.hotpocketsdojo.com.

Why would a stereotypical Asian ninja dude sell pastrie covered meats? It's weird! It's stupid! This website should offend every Asian and anyone who has ever purchased a Hot Pocket simultaneously!

I personally would prefer that they stuck with the tried and true method of advertising and made a sign that read, “Hot Pockets For Sale."

Joey Out...



 

 

Not too much has happenned in my life in the last few days. To give you an idea how I spent my time here is a brief recap of what happenned this past weekend. Exciting stuff!

Friday 3/14/08

I woke up

Went to work

Ate Lunch

Drove home

Ate Dinner

Watched "Dan in Real Life." I thought I wouldn't like this movie, but it was good. I'l give it two floppy thumbs up!

 

Saturday 3/15/08

I woke up

Ate french toast for breakfast

Played Xbox

Watched TV

Played a computer game

Watched more TV

At about seven I went to the Fierkin' Festival at the Happy Gnome. It was quite fun. After the bars closed, I drove all the drunk people to a Perkins in downtown St Paul. I ordered the shrimp basket. Burk told me I was stupid for ordering the shrimp basket-- He was right. I thought I was going to throw up shortly after eating it.

I got home at around 2:30 am and went to bed

Sunday 3/16/08

I woke up really late

I didn't eat much breakfast because my stomach still hurt. I felt like I was hungover. I guess it was a fried shrimp hangover.

Honestly I don't know what I did with the afternoon… so I'll make something up

I tamed lions until five

At five thirty Jonny came over and we had our traditional Irish dinner. Just like every year, the leprecahn brought us all gifts-- I got a green water bottle. After dinner I watched the gophers hockey game with Jonny.

So I’m sitting here thinking about pie—happiness pie. I’m thinking about whether fun is an ingredient in happiness pie or a separate pie all together. My conclusion today was that fun pie just shares many of the ingredients of happiness pie and is much more affordable.

 

I think about pies a lot.

 

I’m weird…

 

and hungry.